Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
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Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”