Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.