“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real