Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Gross if literal…Liverpool
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
you stereotypes are all alike
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms