I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You Might Also Like
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.