Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that