Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.