ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Last-minute gift idea!
Seek kebab; not attention
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up