Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I bet
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.