Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
🤣✨#caturday
One of the best
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?