I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
You Might Also Like
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.