Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like