[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Yes
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.