Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.