Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
PARKOUR
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.