I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
A wise man once said nothing.
Breaking news:
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”