Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
And now we wait
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.