A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.