On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
For the orator and chef in all of us
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
that colleague who touches your screen
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.