Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.