Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.