Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
You Might Also Like
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Ah..makes sense now
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?