Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
jesus christ confetti not now
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.