Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
You Might Also Like
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.