Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.