ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
The Sun
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore