ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
just witnessed a drug deal
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Jesus Christ lmao
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.