Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
You Might Also Like
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I think I’m having a stroke
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
mood
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.