Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Ah..makes sense now
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
The fall of Netflix
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Not all heroes wear capes…
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.