love pickles so much i put myself in one
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
This is me
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*