So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
happy valentine’s day to me
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.