Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
You got this…
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol