Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes