Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone