Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please