Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
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Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar