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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Stonehinge
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”