I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.