[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
You Might Also Like
I gave up going to work for lent.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.