Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.