BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
😂 amazing answer
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.