I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Very problematic
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!