*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.