Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Him: We鈥檙e going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn鈥檛 want you to be found with any identifiers
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I鈥檓 really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I鈥檓 not a doctor, which is why I鈥檓 able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 馃槀馃槣馃樅
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti