Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.