*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*