instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
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[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters