2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
You Might Also Like
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Merica.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.