I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught