[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My safe word is Worcestershire
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
is this meant to deter me
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.